This Side of Sunny

Mothers

Early days with my mom, the things I only remember in pictures. My mom looks exhausted and crabby, much like I feel most days. I draw strange comfort in this, knowing that my own mothering journey is similar to hers. There is the utter exhaustion and exhiliration with having a newborn. There are the combing little girl's long hair battles in the morning. My mom was real and so am I. She loved us fiercely but made sure we minded. She kept us in line but was always there on the sidelines cheering us on. She made our birthday cakes, Halloween costumes and made sure we wrote thank you cards. So even in the middle of the mundane, we share those moments where it makes it all worth it.

The newborn days...

The fun ones...

and the proud ones.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there, whether here or within our hearts. May your day be filled with all the mundane and wonderful things that make up this thing called motherhood. 

 

New York 2004

Before there was kids, before there was cancer, my mom and I went on trip to New York to see a friend of mine. I was six months preggo at the time with Coleman.

New York was our kind of city- busy, noisy, colorful and full of drama.

So much to do and see it could be difficult but being who we were, nothing was going to stop us. We took a boat over to the Ellis Island and I remember laughing with mom. It was so cold and windy- we looked like garden gnomes with our jackets on our heads, our hair whipping around us.

We looked for names of my dad's family on the granite walls. I remember standing inside the Statue of Liberty and look up, way up. I remember being facinated with her copper feet.

We took an elevator and then climbed many stairs until we made it to the Sears Tower. The city glittered at night.

I remember that night walking home by the projects and huddling close together, walking fast. 

Mom had the idea we were going to be on the Today show so we got up really early and headed out into the cold. We stood in line with our glittered sign, AZ Gals Love Al. Later, we saw ourselves for 2 seconds on the TV, we were famous!

We went out on the town and saw an off Broadway show with Brooke Shields. I don't even know what it was called but we loved it.

My mom will be gone three years tomorrow. It's not a day I want to remember but for right now where I am in this journey of life after mom, I think about her on this day and I'm sad. I share this story because it was so long ago, before her first grandchild was even born. I want my kids to know her and her story, what she was like and who she was. They will find there are parts of her in them and that's how we learn to carry on, how she is always with us. 

Carter asked me recently where heaven was. I was hard pressed to answer but managed to tell him it wasn't in the clouds like the movies. His reply: "Heaven is in our hearts." Wise words from my wise little man. 

be still

It has been a rough week here at the Breedlove household. Jake has chickenpox, all five of us have had a stomach bug, there's been a cracked iPad, a missing screw for my sewing machine, and the electric bill increased by $50 a month. I am worn down, physically and mentally and have yet to begin the Christmas celebrations. And yet, in the middle of all this, the tragedy of Newtown reminds me that I have so much. I have three beautiful children who make me laugh and who love to snuggle next to me on the couch. I have a husband who despite being itchy and sore, was able to stay home with each of the child as they had their turn at being sick. I have family who despite the sickies, a crabby limo driver, and the rain still managed to have a good time for our Christmas lights tradition. It's in those moments that God reminds me to 'be still' and focus on what I do have.

Today, there were some tears. Even though I know I have so much, I will always miss the one I don't have- my mom. I saw these flowers at the grocery store and instantly picked them up. They were beautiful and reminded me of my mom, she always loved flowers. And so they sit on my dining room table, brightening up the space, and reminding me to 'be still'. Even when one particular little person breaks one of the flowers and pushes it into the water. I'm sure they were only "helping" mommy arrange them. I take a breath, smile, and practice being still in the moment.

 

Honoring mom

Today I honored my mom by visiting her bench at the zoo and writing her a letter.

I've learned that I can still spend time with her but just in a different way. I chose this journal to write in because one, it it is one of my favorite poems and two, it reminds me of a song my mom and I shared that was special. I listened to it on the car and started crying- it seemed like my mom was speaking to me, they were words I needed to hear this weekend.

 

 

remembering

memories of my mom and of one of her favorite places in the world, the black sand beach of Maui...

My mom gave me a little card that stays in my wallet and it says, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take my breath away."

As always, mom was right... this is just one from this week...

Every girl needs a pair of pink cowgirl boots don't you think?

Happy Birthday Mom

This week has been crazy. Work has been crazy, so crazy that I accidentally dialed 911 from my room phone. How I did I manage to do that??

Then of course the kids, three kids, getting three little ones out the door at a reasonable speed, which should be considered an Olympic sport.

Well, let's not forget the state of my house. I lost two pounds. Have cried numerous times. Then it hit me.

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday. She would have turned 52.

My mind knew it but I think my body wasn't handling it very well. I was looking forward to spending the day looking through old pictures showing the healthy mom I knew with my dad and bro. We are also planning to go to her favorite restaruant, Red Lobster.

Still.

That day. Those memories keep flooding back. Little stabs in my heart, piercing the deep scar that is already there.

Some days I'm just holding on but those days are fewer and far between. However, as my bro blogged a few days ago, they are there, usually when you least expect it.

My mom loved watching sunsets. Once the sun was setting, she would call everyone outside just to see the beautiful colors and hues shoot out from the sun. Some days, I like to think that she sends a special sunset just for us, like an email from heaven, for her family of sunset watchers.

A place called Heaven

{My mom and Carter, 16 months}

Carter: When is Nana Schneider (my mom) coming back from heaven?

How could I answer that? Oh, just breaking my heart. I looked to Jake.

Jake: She's not coming back. She went to be with God.

Carter: Why? (the usual question of a 4 year old)

Jake: Because God is great. (the simplified version for a 4 year old)

Carter: Yeah.

Poor Carter, he's probably been thinking my mom's been on vacation way too long to this Heaven place. He wants to go have fun with his nana and doesn't understand why she isn't back yet.

Not that I'm in hurry or anything, but I will enjoy the day where I can vacation in Heaven with my mom.

A little bit of paradise

A little reason why I've been quiet in this space lately...

when that's the view from your hotel window. Jake and I spent a week in Maui, Hawaii with my dad, brother and his wife. It was a glorious break, without kids and with drinks! We went to Maui because it was my mom's favorite place to visit, we spent a lot of time doing the things she loved to do as well as a few new things.

The Road to Hana... with switchbacks, one lane roads, jungle plants and breathtaking views.

Black sand beach, a special place.

Trying something new: surfing lessons! At one point I did a full belly flop into the water, gave wipeout a whole new meaning.

Trying something traditional: all of us in our luau gear for the luau.

Luau highlight: the fire dancer.

Trying something new: snuba (like scuba but a oxygen line is connected you to a raft so you can only go down 13 feet). That's my dad next to me- Jake was busy actually scuba diving.

Snorkeling in my favorite spot with Jake.

Because this guy was hanging out close to the shore- that's me next to him!

Trying something familiar: hiking. The difference is that of course we were in the lush tropics of Maui and not the arid, dry desert. This was called the Needle of Ioa (good luck on the pronounciation).

It was an incredible trip and I was blessed to be able to spend time with my family. These memories will stay with me forever.

Missing mom

This week has been emotionally hard- for two years now my mom has not been here on Mother's Day. Last year was difficult because the feelings were so raw but luckily I had a newborn who kept me quite busy. This year I've had a lot more time to reflect.

I am in a different place than I was last year, a more healthy place. I don't think the wounds ever heal, there is never a moment you say 'Oh, I'm all better now.' That just doesn't happen. It's more like the wound becomes a battle scar, it's there to remind you of losing someone close, of the love you shared. But most of all, it's there to remind you that you are stronger because of it, that you can get through it, even if you're a different person when you come out on the other side.

So in a sense, you're mourning many things. The person you lost, the scar that will always be there and the innocent person you no longer are.

In reading the story of Job in our study bible, I read this piece of truth in the sidebar:

"Those whom God delivers from the depths of despair see things differently than those who have yet to experience such 'valleys' in life."

I do experience small moments of perspective. I rock my daughter to sleep because I know it will be all too soon before I'm tucking her into her big girl bed. I spend a little time taking care of myself because I need it. At the end of the day, I make sure I've loved my family a little more, gave more kisses, hugs and shared laughs.

Early Mother's Day

My hubby and children surprised me with breakfast in bed this morning- so yummy! Yeah, nobody is seeing me with bedhead.

Other than breakfast, I got some great gifts:

Coleman made me a beautiful flowers and a coupon book.

I particularly like the one that promises he'll vacuum.

Carter rewrapped this gift for me, what he calls the "shotter". Besides the garbage trucks, it's one of his most prized toys of the moment.

Then of course, Jake gave me the present that is close to my heart literally and figuratively.

This necklace is Open Hearts by Jane Seymour Angel collection. It reminds of my mom and the matching necklaces we shared. We even went to hear Jane Seymore give a motivational talk at the Women's Expo one year. Here is the original design:

On this Mother's Day, I can wear this necklace and think of my special angel watching over me, watching over all of us.